Once you've accepted your flaws no one can use them against you.

I keep thinking about this quote, and I realized that this is what I needed to do. It takes time for me to realize things. I am not sure why I have become so stubborn? What was it that made me become this way? Finding out why I did so many things has become very enlightening.

I start looking back in my life and seeing events that cause me to do things. When I said something that hurt a friend or another person. Seeing how others could do things I could not. I would put up defenses. I realized that I have been woeful with coping skills when I was young. And because the foundation was poor, it was never really developed properly.

So now I have to start over at 43 to build a new foundation. Understanding that things will not be perfect in life I get. However, what to do when things do not go my way. How will I adopt? What steps do I need to take to be able to move on. How will my actions affect others? What do I do next?

It is hard to talk with others about these challenges that I have. I still feel that they won't come to me with their problems. Alternatively, they just won't like me because of all my issues. I once again see myself put in a place where I am not sure what to do. What is my next move?

I need to do something. I can't stay this way. If I do, then there is no more growth in me. So I guess the decision is already made. I will have to let it all come out and let the chips fall where they may. If I say that I am not scared I would be lying. This is going to be tough for me. I really need to do this. 

Keep Rambling....

Pop Song 89

I am a child of the 80s. I love the music, well some of it at least. I love my Structure clothes. I think I still have a few shirts. It was a time when I went from a boy to becoming a man. In that decade, I went from a crazy kid in elementary school to graduating high school by 1989. My life changed a lot.


As I start this change in my life, I feel that way again. I am respecting the past, not reliving it. I am going down old roads but seeing different things this time. I am not doubting myself anymore. I am not feeling that I am not "good enough." I know that I can do it, and I am "good enough."


Being afraid to express how I feel is no longer an option. Keeping it all in has been such a determent to me. I would keep feeling in. Bring myself down and others around me. I would lose friends because I could not tell them what was going on with me. I could not tell them how empty, or alone I felt. How hurt, I was or lost. It would continue to build. The weight would become so great that I would just shut down.


I would look for an outlet. Sometimes I would go and play as many games of softball as I could. I would get myself so wiped out that I forget all my problems. During the off season, It was harder. I would try working out for a little or find a sport to play to escape. The best is when a friend would call and have a problem or issue. That would snap me out of it. The only problem was I never dealt with what was bothering me.


Today, I address the problems. Why do I feel this way? What is the real reason I am upset? Why am I allowing myself to feel this way? How is this going to affect me, and the others around me? It is amazing when I do that. I lose the anger and become calm. I am able to get things done. I have no more crap weighing me down. I am able to enjoy the day. 

Hello, my friend, are you visible today?
You know I never knew that it could be so strange, strange
Hello, I'm sorry, I lost myself
I think I thought you were someone else
Should we talk about the weather?
Should we talk about the government?


Keep Rambling .....