I am another year older. It is my Birthday today. I am 44 years old. I have a friend ask me what are you going to do for your birthday? I don't like celebrating birthdays. I have had many things that happen to me that makes it very hard for me to do things just for me.
I lost a daughter 13 years ago. She would be in middle school now. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about Rachel. When she died, a piece of me died. I have not recovered from that loss. The problem was I never really grieved. I was not able to express myself and handle the pain I was feeling. That was until a few months ago. Now I am letting that issue no longer haunt me.
I always believed that I was not deserving of good things happing to me. Ever since I could remember. I never thought that I deserved to be happy. It got so bad that when good things were happening to me; I would do something to sabotage it. It did not matter what it was I would not let myself believe that I was worthy. With the support of friends and some professional help, I am seeing that I am aloud to have good things happen to me. And I do not try to sabotage myself anymore.
Why don't I like celebrating my Birthday? Well, I feel that I have so much more to work on. I need to know what I want to do with my life. How am I going to proceed? I do feel better about myself but am not happy where I am at. I need to keep pushing forward and keep looking for answers. So for now, I will celebrate my birthday very quietly. I need more time to find who Andy really is.
Keep Rambling ......
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