Open up ........

I don't have many people that I can truly open up to. This is by choice. I have been very selective on who I do this with because I am afraid of being hurt. However, not that they will use the info that I share against me. It is that once I share this information with them, they will no longer be my friend. They will see how broken I am on the inside, and they stay away.

This has been a struggle for me since I was very young. I would always be afraid of people really finding out that "Andy was messed up" and stop playing or talking with me. My relationships with them would be very shallow and eventually would fade away. By not investing in the friendship, I was doing the one thing that I was fearing; I was being alone.

One thing I would do, so I would not be in that situation is I would take on a cause. I would help others who would be in need. Some would need to talk. Some would need help physically. Whatever the challenge was I there. I would ignore what was bothering me and champion their cause. This way, I was not alone. I helped others, and they would only see the Andy that was there when they need them. Once again, they did not see the whole Andy.

I realize now that I need to let more people in. There might be one person that I can go to but what happens if they can't be there. Do I sit and wait for them to be available? I need to open up to more people. I need to be able to let others in and see all of me. If I don't I will be back in the same situation that I was in a few months ago. That is one thing that I do not want to do. I need to trust more people the way they trust me. 

Keep Rambling ........

Breakthrough

Last night, I had a major breakthrough. I found what has been holding me back. It was my lack of self-confidence. This has affected me since I was in elementary school. This was great to find out. I felt like I really made some progress. Then I started looking back and seeing all the decisions that I made and how they were impacted by this.

It really is amazing how so many decisions that I have made were totally influenced by this one fact. I was not doing things to make me better but trying not to offend. I kept going over and over what I have done. Why I never asked out a certain girl when I was 12? I did not go to prom with the girl I wanted to, why not? I was always afraid to ruin the relationship that I had with her. What would happen if I asked her out, and she did not like me the same way?

Career choices that I have made. Several jobs I took were because they were safe. I was not able to do the career that I wanted to do until I was so unsure of myself that I was not as successful. I was always questioning myself every step of the way. Instead of working on my craft, I was trying not to fail. I did fail as hard as I tried not to.

So last nigh and this morning I kept looking over my questionable decisions. I reached out to a friend who helped me realize that I should remember the past but not hold on to it. Just like my old structure shirts they need to go away. She could help me process my past and put it in another place. Now I am working on today and making new decisions, confident in myself. Will I make mistakes? Yes, I will but I know that I believe in myself, and I have friends behind me that when I fall they will help me get back up. 

Keep Rambling .......

What to do

One of the biggest challenges that I face is how do I help a person, when I can see the problem, but I have no answers. Normally, I would be able to answer a question or just listen but there are times that I can see the problem, and I am just at a loss on what to do. I see the person pain yet I can do nothing.

This eats me up inside. What am I supposed to do? Let my friend suffer? I struggle with what words can I say. I feel a pit in my stomach knowing I can't come up with something that will alleviate the pain. There must be a solution. There has to be a way for this person to feel better why it is not coming to me?

Why does this torture me so much? This feeling of helplessness overwhelms me. When do I give up on trying to solve this problem? How do I know that if I give it more time that the answer will come to me? When does it not feel like you gave up on a friend?

There are very few people that I can talk to about this. It is hard to have the trust in a person to share these things with. Writing them here I feel safe, but I do not have any answers then I did when I started. The pain does subside a bit, but the question still does linger.

As I continue to work on the changes of myself, I realize that I have many unresolved issues that need to be addressed before I can truly move forward. When I was a child, I just kept putting all the crap of my room under the bed. The floor looked clean. The crap was still there. Eventually, you need to clean under the bed. I need to keep cleaning my crap out.

The insecurity in myself is still there, but I am working in it. I feel more confident today then I did before. I need to keep working on that everyday. Working on my friendships is something that has many ebbs and flows. I know that I have people that I can count on no matter what. They will always be there for me and I for them. There are days where if feels like no one is there. It is a work in progress.

Guidance is something that I seek. Not sure where I will get it. I will continue to listen and be looking for the answer to all of my questions. I will continue to work on myself and feel good about myself. I know that I am a better person today then I was before. Someday the answer will come to me. And when it does I will share it with you. 

Keep Rambling ......